Motel Room

Motel Room

The impossible-to-wash-out blood stains on the off-white sheets,

People have lied here before.

Fluorescent lighting highlights the corners of the room. 

Flicker, one, two, flicker. 

I try to blink every time the light disappears,

So that the darkness is only the back of my eyelids.

But the flickering varies, 

And the light is never constant. 

Written 10/23/16 at a motel in Southern Utah.

The Resurrection of My Blog.

November 24, 2015, I wrote a final post for this blog.
Abrupt and unexpected, was how I would describe this death.

I opened the post by saying, "Writing is something I used to look forward to doing. That is no longer true."

A pretty depressing line, which was fitting, as I was not doing well mental-health wise. Over the past six months (a short death) I have spent a lot of time focusing on myself. Self improvement, more or less.

I never really planned to start writing on here again, but here I am. My hands lazily moving across the keyboard. I often find my right hand middle finger on the "delete" button, but that's writing, isn't it.

"Well Hanna, why is it you're starting to write again?"
Recently in my English class we had to do a project where we wrote about kindness. It was very free flowing, and that was essentially the only prompt.
I wrote a poem. "The Effect of One Kind Soul". I presented this in front of my junior english class. Afterwards, we all wrote notes to each other. My absolutely lovely peer, Jade, wrote me the following note.


"DANG HANNA.
You are a beautiful writer. I also very much appreciate/love how informed you are on important topics like feminism and the elections. You totally have yourself figured out and I admire that. You know what you stand for and you stand for it because of that, I think you're a very brave person.
P.S. You should write more on your blog because I FOUND it and LOVE it. Your post on dying your hair was the last push I needed to dye mine (lol)
Love ya, Jade."

Thank you Jade, thank you for in turn pushing me to return to doing something I love.

Thank you to my mom, Shea, who I didn't realize enjoyed my blog until she asked that I would bring it back, and who pushes me forward when I can't do so on my own.

Thanks to my dad, who is always kind and caring about my work.

Thank you to Ryan Trimble for encouraging me to find the truth in everything.

Thank you to Shaylee, my dearest friend, for always wanting to hear what new poem I've wrote, and being so kind when reacting to them. Always with a hug and a, "Hanna, that was absolutely amazing". You are my hero and my inspiration.

Thank you to Oliver, for always supporting me in whatever I do.

Thank you to Brooke, for always being sweet, complementary, and honest.

Thank you to all of my peers who wrote me a note saying they admire my willingness to talk about touchy subjects.

Thank you, especially, to my english teacher, Regan Gull, for teaching me the power of writing. For helping me believe my words, and to not fear sharing my opinions with others who might disagree. I admire you and everything you do.

Now that my speech is over, I will sit back and let this take me where ever it pleases.

Welcome back.



Lifestyle and Fashion Blog: http://paperdollcloset.blogspot.com/

The Burial Of My Blog.

Writing used to be something I looked forward to doing. That is no longer true.

Truthfully, I’m not exactly sure why. I used to love writing. It used to be a passion, something that I thought I rather excelled at. Now, it seems as if my appreciation feels more like a burden. Something I have to do.

This is not at fault of this blog, rather than my sudden lack of motivation as well as creativity. I have no drive to write. No thoughts. No original ideas. My writing now feels staged, as if I’m compiling a bunch of words hoping I can create art. This art, I generously refer to as, has no emotion lately. The blogs I’m vaguely attempting to write seem ablaze at first, but now feel like another failed project. What once was a source of my pride and joy feels like a job. Therefore, I’m quitting such job. It gathers virtual cobwebs and wreaths of flowers as I metaphorically mourn the death of my liveliness.

I’m engulfed in the guilt of my own failure, academically as well as personally. My fingers lie lax on the keyboard, hoping for inspiration to dance upon the letters. Rather, they rest with nothing lifting them. 

The death of my words has been a slow one I’ve not fully come to accept, until this moment. I’ve even bought a leather journal as a feeble attempt to let my words wander, with no direct purpose. To let them find themselves again. But they only scribble, ending in pressure from the pen to the paper, in what turns out to be a scream- imprinted in the thin pages.

It's frustrating as well as disappointing. That something that has so affected my life can be shut down so easily. But all things change, and this is no exception.

And so here it is. The goodbye I've been procrastinating writing. I won’t fret though, because these words represent me. Doing the best that I can, floating in an abyss of possibility, amounting to nothing.

Thank you so much to all of you who have been with me through this journey of self discovery, and to those who have supported me and pushed me. Thank you to my english teacher Mrs. Gull, who helped inspire me to start this blog, and continues to inspire me.

I hope to write something for you soon. 

Lungs

The air I'm breathing becomes thicker, weighing down on my lungs.
Sometimes I find it easiest not to breathe at all.

Letting the air envelope me in a tight hold, I lay. Breathless.
Empty.

The feeling of emptiness wasn't negative or painful rather than it was total bliss.
Nirvana.

The weight of the world was lifted for a moment and I could stand tall.
But then the blanket of air fades and I wake, surrounded by angry faces and regretful souls.

Ant

Her presence seems to most ghostly. A subtle interruption in the flow of the air, a single breath among millions. You don't have to fly in a plane to see her as an ant, she is that already in comparison to her peers.

She knows this is true, and it doesn't kill her spirit. She busies herself with more important things. She silences herself by raising her voice for matters she finds important.

But every now-and-then she finds herself wondering as to why she is still just an ant amidst great humans. Her voice is so loud, but it is also the quietest silence. On paper she is strong, in speech confident. In her head stuttering and tripping over phrases she would speak, if she did not constantly worry of disapproval.

She fears being forgotten. Being hated.

She wants to be noticed, to be admired. But ants can only leave footprints so far until the tracks cannot be seen.

Puppy Barn and the Horror Stories Behind It.

UPDATE SEPTEMBER 2016: As Puppy barn is regaining popularity, I would like to bring back attention to this obvious crime that is so commonly overlooked. Excuse any factual/grammatical errors, all of this data is from August of 2015.


Puppy Barn. The beloved store and attraction in American Fork, Utah where unaware people looking to give a home to a puppy may do so. But there are strings attached.

Walking into Puppy Barn you see seprate breeds in unprotected cages with a lining on the bottom, water, food, and a toy. Each litter is separated in different cages. It sounds, and frankly, it looks innocent. But it is not.

There is little-to-no supervision as to who is handling the dogs. They place a sign expressing you must be at least 18 to handle the puppies. (Although I played with them multiple times while I was 15, unaware, unsupervised.) You are asked to always have hand sanitizer applied while changing from litter to litter, playing with the dogs. I can testify, though, that this is not properly enforced. There are way too many people handling the young puppies, with newly developing immune systems.

Another problem is that in this last year(2015), it has been a hot spot for teenagers. Unknowing people looking for a fun activity handle these puppies daily. It has even become a hot-spot for dates.

Puppy barn purchases many of their pups off of KSL.com from random breeders and puppy mills. I'm sure you're not surprised to hear that the majority of their puppies are weened from their mother way, way too early for them to be healthy. Puppy Barn doesn't look at the medical history of the parents of the puppies they will be purchasing. In many occasions they have also advertised puppies as purebred, when they are actually mixed breeds. Selling them for hundreds more dollars than necessary; AKC prices. Why do they feel they must hide it? For the money. Which seems to be all this business cares about.

Just walking in and checking out the puppies you can see many have bloated bellies (worms), diarrhea, and on one occasion I've seen a young chihuahua vomiting, and not casually. Other reviews on Yelp.com say, "Another had goop in it's eyes and nose. (...) As I listened to the employees, none of them were telling anyone the responsibilities of taking care of a puppy. Just making sure everyone knew there were no refunds". Responsible breeders and organizations such as Caws.org take back the animal if it is not working out, because they actually care about the well being of their animals.

There have been frequent reports of Parvo, a life threatening and very contagious disease. Not surprising when people are constantly jumping from dog to dog.

A screenshotted review from Facebook posted on Yelp.com.

One of lots of tragedies occurring because of Puppy Barn. 

Other problem is the secrecy. If you post on their Facebook page asking a question such as, "Where do you get your puppies?" they delete it. They know what they are doing is wrong and unethical, but as long as they are making money they don't care. If you call them they claim they purchase them from "local breeders", but if you ask any more questions they get nervous and can't give you a straight and true answer. 

There are many, many other reasons why this place needs to go. 

Please take 30 seconds to sign this petition to shut down Puppy Barn. We only need 814 more to get to 7,500. 

https://www.change.org/p/american-fork-city-officials-shut-down-puppy-barn-in-american-fork-utah?just_created=true

For more reviews visit:  http://www.yelp.com/biz/puppy-barn-american-fork

For more information or just to support the cause follow @StopPuppyBarn on Twitter. 

Black Oppression and the LGBTQ community.

Oppression towards a minority. Denied freedom and rights. "Unnatural, inhuman." 

Both things to describe the treatment of the African Americans for so many years, and things that describe the rising awareness and continuing disapproval of the LGBTQ community.

The actions that the powerful white man made out of fear resemble the actions that are taken against the LGBTQ community by the fearful heterosexual homophobic men and women of America, and the world. 

Denied rights to vote? Denied rights to marriage? How is it so hard to see that the mistakes we made before, are being made again, but to a different group of people? Even though both are in the past, the scars from those cuts remain and wait still to be fully healed. 

After years of discrimination and hate, we realized that the black community was as equal to all of the others. Did their skin determine who they where as a whole? No. We realized they were people too, and that they had always been. No man should should be ashamed of their skin colour. It seems so obvious now. But why isn't it just as obvious that a man who loves a man is still human, still equal? 

We're repeating the past. The mistakes we are making now are the same ones we're embarrassed about from back then. We're all human. Men, women, gay, straight, white, black... We're all equal.

The names we call them. The "n word" that is frowned upon now, is equivalent to calling someone a "faggot". It's unnacceptable.

It's inhumane.  

We are all people. We all rely on the same things to feel complete. Love and acceptance. Don't we all deserve it? 

If you don't approve of it, that's your respected opinion. But being civil isn't hard to do. When you have a coworker you don't agree with, you aren't openly rude to them. You should be kind and respectful always. 

The new law letting same sex couples marry each other is a leap in the right direction. We have made so many of those leaps for African American equality in the past and even currently. Let's continue leaping. 

"Just because a law has been passed doesn't mean the issue is settled. Let's face it, blacks were freed from slavery and granted full citizenship a long time ago, but did that end discrimination?"

                         -Ryan Trimble